So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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