i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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