All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
