if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
