and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize