You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
