please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You're a waste of cheezeits
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
