I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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