he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
