I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
