They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
