so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
