Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
