Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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