I will die if light touches me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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