no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
