Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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