i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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