ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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