I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
