I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
