he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
