...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
