what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
