Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
