I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Vodka?
Forever.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
