I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
