I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
this just has baby written all over it
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
