So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
