if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
