you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
