Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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