please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
