Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
