i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
