I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
