maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
