I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
