its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
