just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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