I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
