Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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