My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So much rum. So many feels.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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