fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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