We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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