thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
