how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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