member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
They are going to name an STD after you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
