i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Can you bring me the toilet please
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
