Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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